It was three years ago today that I signed on the dotted line and purchased my first home. I still remember how proud I was of myself. I still remember how excited Alyssa was to decorate her room however she wanted.
Over the past three years, homeownership has taught me quite a bit. I'm so happy I made the decision to buy where I did, and so quickly after moving Texas. My neighborhood is wonderful, the people are great, the schools are great, and the house is great. It was a true blessing for me to be able to purchase the house, and I hope to always be grateful for the basic things like shelter, food, clothing, love because all the rest is just a bonus.
On December 22, 2009 I never thought that I would share this house with my husband. In my mind I always saw us buying a house together the week before the wedding, so we could move in after the honeymoon. But then the reality of school zones, and possible relocation in another short 3.5 years came into play. So, we decided to rent out his place in a farther away city, and live in this home so our daughter can stay at her highschool until graduation, and we don't have to buy another house in this area only to try and sell it in 3.5 years when we will likely relocate after the daughter's graduation.
As blessed as I felt when I bought the house, I feel even more blessed to call it OUR house now. It is hard to believe that we have only shared this space for 4 months...it seems like this house has always been for all of us.
My therapist called me a master pretender today. And then she saw the look on my face, and told me in her no nonsense way that she meant what she said and that someone should have told me that long before now.
We were having a conversation about my mother. I know, I know...it's so cliche, and on many levels, in my mind, pathetic to talk about my mother issues in therapy. But, in order to not to become her and to stop resenting her, it is what I need to do. I told her that I've gotten to a point where I can be tough on my mother when she starts verbally beating me up for not being the kind of daughter she thinks I should be, and when she lays on the guilt trips. However, I told her that afterward, I feel bad and start to doubt myself. I wonder if I am in fact a bad daughter and whether or not I'm "honoring" her. She asked why is it that I can stand up for myself to her in conversation, but then start to doubt when the conversation is over. I told her I don't know because during the conversations with my mother I truly mean every word of what I'm saying, but afterward her words make me feel bad. She told me I had mastered the art of pretending and that I have become a master pretender.
I hated hearing that because I equate pretending to being fake, and no one wants to believe they are fake, especially not with someone you've known all of your life.
We discussed my "pretending" ways with my mother and the topic of emotional blackmail. I've always called the latter guilt trips, but she gave it a real name and definition. The hardwork of being okay with not playing her games or being held hostage emotionally has begun. And, the even harder part of owning what I feel and believe and not letting someone make me feel bad about it has also begun. My homework is to write my mother a PPF letter (that stands for past, present and future) about our relationship and my feelings. I declare that 2013 will be a year of clarity in my relationship with my mother...one of forgivenss, healing, and redefinition (with boundaries).
Today I am on CD20. I have no hopes of being pregnant this month. After my post last week, I tested with an opk, which I always do just as a double check to the monitor. Since starting this process with the monitor, two cycles ago, each cycle the strips and the monitor always correspond. Well, this month they didn't.
The monitor had me peak on CD12, meaning I was to ovulate on CD13. The opk had me peak on CD16, which means I would ovulate on CD17. Though the opk had me peaking on CD16, on CD17 it was negative, but if it should have also been positive.
The monitor, which typically prompts me to test up until my ovulation date, prompted me to test every day since. I have stopped wasting my sticks, though.
I'm so confused by what happened this month. I wish I would get ovulation pains like other women, so I would just know without a doubt. I've tried to monitor Cervical mucus and basal temps, but I honestly hate that process. It's too much work. I just want to know I'm ovulating, have sex, and be pregnant.
Anyway, so if the monitor is right, I should expect a new cycle to start on the 26th, or if the opk was right I should expect a new cycle to start on the 29th...that's if I'm not pregnant.
I guess the wait just got longer.
Since next Tuesday is Christmas I doubt I'll be blogging about TTC. So I'll give you our plans if we are not pregnant.
If we haven't conceived this month, the doctor wants us to start our first cycle of IUI in January.
I still don't have words for what happened in Connecticut on Friday. My heart still hurts for those families. It is unthinkable. May God bless them.
Despite all the sadness in the world, my weekend went pretty well. On Friday night my mother and I went to a Murder Mystery Dinner. I took her as a birthday present. Guess who won?? ME! I had an absolute blast, and can't wait to go to another one. RFA and I have talked about doing a murder mystery weekend in Vermont next year. We really need to make that happen.
On Saturday I had wedding business work to attend to, but I was finished by noon, so I still got to enjoy some leisure time. My daughter and I went to do some Christmas browsing (neither of us bought a thing) and then we saw a movie. I love being with her. Even though she's getting older and sometimes I want to shake her back to her wonderful 10 year old self, she is still one of my fave people.
Yesterday we went to church and I had one of those "I know you are talking to me right now" moments. I swear my pastor's message was directed at me. The topic was on relationships...he's been doing a series about "Fighting For Your Family." This week he touched on parental relationships. Since my mother moved to Texas in October 2011 our relationship has dwindled into of of obligation, resentment, and pure displeasure on my part. I could list a laundry list of things I feel that she's done to make me feel this way, but truly it shouldn't matter. That sentiment was reinforced by my pastor yesterday. He said it is time to look beyond the issue and at the person. God forgives us over and over and over, yet we can't forgive those that have "wronged" us. I'm going to try to do better, and get over my issues.
I could talk about this - my issues with her - all day, but I won't...it's senseless.
I don't have much to report this week. Though, I am at peak today, which means I will ovulate tomorrow. Yay...another opporutnity to conceive.
I am a little surprised that I'm peaking this soon, however. Last month I peaked on CD17 and ovulated on CD18, in October I peaked on CD15 and ovulated on CD16, yet this month I'm peaking on CD13 and will ovulate on CD14. I'm not sure what made my ovulation cycle change by 4 days. It is kind of scary. My husband was scheduled to take a business trip late today, but when I got my peak this morning, he rescheduled. We were both thinking I wouldn't ovulate for a few more days at least.
I'm also a bit disheartened by my number of known high fertility days. My fertility monitor typically prompts me to test starting on Day 9 or Day 10, and I will usually get about 4 to 5 high fertility days before my peak and subsequent ovulation. This time I only got 2 high fertility days and then boom...peaking.
I'm glad I have this monitor to track for me because if I were charting I would be so lost and probaby always BD on the wrong day.
So, if I in fact ovulate tomorrow, then I should know whether this cycle was successful or not by the day after Christmas. That would be 14 days past ovulation, which is the length of my luteal phase. If aunt flo doesn't show up on the 26th, I will be testing first thing on the morning of the 27th.
Oh...some other things:
I totally forgot to go get the folic acid, so I guess that won't help us this month.
We only half way followed the sperm meets egg plan because my husband was traveling for a few days.
I hope non of that matters and my uterus captures a baby this month anyway.
It's been a whirlwind week. For starters, I can't even believe it's already Friday, it seems that only yesterday it was Monday. I had a wedding planning related meeting everyday this week, except for today. Business is booming and I am forced to manage my time more wisely. Some of my household duties have suffered. I think it's time I reevaluate my television time.
I have become quite the tv junkie, bringing in almost 3 hours of watch time a night. There are so many more productive things I could be doing with my time. I've gotten into the routine of saving large chores for the weekends - stuff like laundry, deep cleaning the bathrooms, etc. I hate using my weekends for house stuff, I'd much rather be out doing something. The only way to avoid that is to do these things during the week and stop watching so much dang tv.
I've been slowly getting my home office together. My husband has set up shop in the library because there is tons of space and he works from home much more than I do. My office space is set up in our bedroom. I have a dedicated corner, but I'm starting to wonder how I can fit the both of us in the library. I need more space. I'm also looking for a used file cabinet because I have to start getting paper work organized. I'm trying to be as paperless as possible, but I still find value in having some paper around.
Mr. RFA is gone for the weekend - his annual man trip. Every year they go see their beloved Eagles play in a different city. This time he will be near my hometown and he's going to stop by and say hi to my granny. I don't like it when he's gone, I miss him immediately.
My daughter and I are putting up the Christmas tree this weekend. Yes, without my husband. He's not into tree trimming. I just don't get it. Anyway, it's fun for her and I, so I can't wait. I wish the weather would cool down dramatically so it could feel like Christmas and we could break out the cocoa and such.
Our Christmas cards came in on Wednesday and I love them! I will post the picture on Christmas day.
That's all for now folks! Have a blast of a weekend!
I got another big fat negative last cycle, so here we are in December, still with an empty uterus. One thing I've learned is that my luteal phase is consistent even if my cycle isn't. It is 14 days on the dot. That has also made me realize that I don't have to worry about wasting pregnancy tests anymore because instead of testing at 7am when I'm 14dpo, I should wait to see if my new cycle starts by 10:30am (its usual appearance time). So I think from here on out, I will only test 15dpo, if needed.
I felt like we did everything right last month, so I don't know that there is much we can change up. Here are just a few things we will add to the mix:
1. Start taking folic acid vitamins
2. Use the Sperm meets egg plan (google it if you want the details)
3. Meditate twice a week - I don't feel like I'm stressed, but taking some quiet, focused time surely won't hurt anything
Today is CD7, so I should be getting into my high fertility zone in about 3 to 5 days and ovulating in about 9 to 11 days.
I've mentioned Gretchen Rubin here before. She is the author of a phenomenal book - The Happiness Project. I love her. She is so imperfect, but never ends her personal quest, nor that of encouraging others, to be better.
Last week she posted this question on her blog, and it made me freeze for about 10 minutes. That's a long time given that was an extremely busy day and I was suppose to only be taking a 5 minute "clear my brain" break.
Anyway...here is her question:
If, by the end of 2013, you
could magically change one aspect of your life, what would you change? What
single thing would add the most to your happiness? With that aim in mind, can you come up with concrete, manageable steps that
would help you accomplish it?
Well I'll be darned...it turns out that there are a ton of things I'd like to change, modify, tweak by the end of the year. However there is one that has tugged at my heart for the past few months, and it popped in my head almost immediately upon reading the questions. I froze for 10 minutes because I felt that it should be something a bit more profound. That "thing" is Healthly living. And, as I think about it, it is profound. Given my family's medical background and my past history with fibroids, my health is my peace of mind, and that is certainly profound.
So to answer the question, I would magically change my health lifestyle. It would absolutely add the most happiness to my life right now. I'm happy, but there is a piece of my puzzle that is missing, and it's the pure joy I felt when I was living my best healthy life.
Here are the concrete, manageable steps that I believe would help me accomplish this change:
1. Make a gym schedule that I can stick to. I can go to the gym 4 times per week, but I'm kidding myself if I think I'm going to make those 4 visits at 5:30am. I used to pop out of bed for that routine, but my married life has brought on much longer nights, that require my full rest in the morning. So, I'll move my schedule to the afternoons. I think by purely being honest with myself on the actual time I plan to workout will make a huge difference in my follow through. When I tell myself I'll workout at 5:30am and I don't, then something in me feels like I can't redeem myself until the next day at 5:30am. No more!
2. I will prepare my meals 3 days in advance. This is something I used to do that was very successful. If I stay ready, I never have to worry about getting caught in a desperate situation.
3. Have a talk with my husband and daughter about how my lack of healthiness is impacting my happiness and therefore we have to be a united house against bad foods for the betterment of our family. If they know the internal struggle I have with turning down bad foods, I know they'll be willing to support an environment in our home where my struggle is dwindled, if not erased.
4. Re-learn what my body likes and doesn't like. I will do this by listening to my body after eating certain foods. I'll also start doing more research about fibroids and their correlation to food. I did this before, but I think I missed something. During my 40+ pound weight loss, I had a fibroid that grew to an enormous size that my uterus was that of a near 5 month pregnant woman. While I was eating healthier, there must have been something I missed. I must find that missing link.
I know a month is a bit ambitious to make a full change, but it is definitely a start. One step at a time is how to conquer those internal struggles.
Thanks, Gretchen...this question helped me focus on the steps instead of just some grand idea.
I'm living the life in Texas with my husband, our 3 daughters, and our Boy Boxer. I love everything about being a woman, a mother and a wife. As I approach 35, I'm coming into my own (for real) and having fun learning new things about myself.